Reflecting on Turning 40… It’s Complicated (But Wally’s Party is ON!)
So, I’m turning 40, and everyone keeps telling me I should celebrate it cause it’s a milestone. But for me, it’s just a reminder of all the things I’ve not accomplished in my life. It’s weird because when I was heading towards my 30th birthday, I was ready to celebrate and party. I planned this big Alice in Wonderland-themed party and had it at my mum’s house, where she went all out with decorations and an amazing cake. All my family and family friends were dressed up, and 4 of my best friends drove the 3-4hrs from Sydney to attend.
My mindset around turning 30 was completely different to what I’m dealing with as I head towards 40. I mean, when I was 20, I thought I’d be married with kids and in a stable, successful job by the time I was 30. But when I turned 30, I was just over a year newly single, and I definitely had no kids (I didn’t get Wally until December of that year). I did have a job I loved at the time that seemed to be something that would advance my career; I’d just purchased my Dee Why apartment, so that was a huge win. I guess all that put me in the mood to party!
Heading towards 40, well, the last few years have not been kind. It’s not that I wish I were married with kids. I’m absolutely happy and content living my single life with Wally. I love where we live now on the Central Coast, and I have so much passion for what I do for work it’s absolutely excruciating that things aren’t where I want them.
I’m extremely privileged, and I know this. I know how lucky I am to have my own house, my family, and the freedom to work the way I do. Even if it’s a struggle right now, I don’t think I really could go back to working for someone else. I am fully aware that I have things others dream of. But that doesn’t mean I can ignore how unenthused I am to be turning 40.
A lot has happened over the last few years on a global scale and on a personal level. We had the bushfires followed by the pandemic that changed the world forever. During this chaotic time, I was dealing with growing health issues, which led to a formal diagnosis of Rheumatoid Disease (or Rheumatoid Arthritis as it’s commonly called). I’d spent my whole adult life searching for why I didn’t have the same energy level as my peers, and I guess the RA was probably bubbling along, ready to emerge to show me. To add to the chaos, I flooded my apartment and moved to the Central Coast, all while we were still dealing with a global pandemic.
Hoping the worst was behind me I got a new shock when suddenly the most stable of my income was ripped out from under me with no warning – one of those downsides to freelancing. And just as I was starting to get back on top of that, Wally had his spinal injury, surgery and still ongoing recovery. All of this whilst I was still trying to work out how to live with my RA and the new symptoms that come from the illness, and the meds I take to keep the illness at bay. Burnout-inducing chaos is the only way to describe it.
I guess this is at the core of why I have no enthusiasm to celebrate “the big 4-0” because the chaos of life has put me in a position where I don’t feel there’s a lot to celebrate. I say this as I am planning Wally’s 10th birthday party in September because I feel like he deserves to celebrate because of all he’s been through the last few years. Why can’t I say the same for me?
Maybe I did think I would be married with kids by now, despite all my protests of being happily single. I don’t think so cause, really, I have no energy for dealing with another human being in my life – Wally is enough. Maybe it’s that as I move into my next decade, I come to realise that it was the final big birthday my dad got to celebrate. What does this mean? It means in a few more years, I’ll be older than my dad ever got to be. However, those thoughts have only recently occurred to me, probably because the anniversary of his death just passed. And as it does each year it passed my mind until I was reminded by family sharing their love on social media. I don’t begrudge them that; we all deal with it in our own way, but sometimes, I’d like to stay in the darkness of that knowledge.
Anyway, I can’t stop time so I’ll turn 40 and my life will keep on going. Who knows what life has in store all I can hope for is that it’s much better than it’s served me over the last few years. I will continue to be grateful for all that I have – Wally, my family, my wonderful and understanding friends who deal with my inconsistent attention due to my unpredictable body and energy, the house over my head and the freedom to work the way I do.
Happy Birthday to me! Now, let’s move on and plan a big bash for my baby boy Wally, who is the ultimate Survivor in this house!
